The Quotation Station

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My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

Playing gangsters is great, they usually dress you sharp. And you have a license to pretty much bully anybody. I mean, I wouldn't dare do that at home. My wife will give me a back hander.

My first company was with Warren Avis, who started Avis Rent a Car. I remember getting $60,000 [as a payout when leaving the company]. I was 25 years old. I said to my wife, 'I'm really happy, but I'm really sad, because I'm never going to make this much money again.' It was the biggest check I'd ever seen.

Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffered Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night-she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question-Is this all

There are three great friends an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife.

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

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